I’m chronically-ill and have been for almost 2 decades at this point. I started out REALLY sick, I went from an abscess to weighing less than 100lbs (size 00) in 8 months. Bam – Crohns Disease. After that though, I felt pretty good for a few years. Then obstruction hell started – and I was in the hospital more times than I could count. That culminated in a bowel resection. Then I got a couple good years… since then.. well, not really.
Then add in chronic migraine and POTS/IST and life is fun.
I’m about to be 40, I’ve been sick for almost half my life. Somehow, I still have not figured out how to be kind to myself. I’m older now, flares last longer and take longer to recover from. I don’t just bounce back in a day or so like I did in my 20’s. I can’t just “push through it” anymore. Simple chores during the flare will make me feel like I’ve been run over by a semi. Exhaustion and fatigue last much, much longer than normal.
Unfortunately that often means putting off plans, or leaving my to-do list undone. The problem is, I can’t seem to let myself just exist. I can sit on the couch, exhausted and in pain and somehow berate myself for not sticking to my plans for the day. Oh, I wanted to scrub my tile backsplash and clean the dishwasher filter? GUESS WHAT BITCH, the world is now ending.
Of course I do have some “neuro-spicy” issues that compound my negative thinking, and send my anxiety and depression soaring. All of a sudden, I feel like crap AND can’t handle the “clutter” and “mess” that is some dirty dishes or laundry.
Lazy. Dirty. Cluttered. Gross. Overwhelming. Anxious. Frustrated. Irrationally ANGRY.. at myself.
I’m working on it. I’m trying to anyway.
It’s the weekend, okay-ish weather. I desperately need to get out of the house, but Crohns symptoms dictate I need to be close to a bathroom and in loose fitting clothes with a hot water bottle. I got upset, I wanted to do some chores and go run some errands. *BUT* I know that I need to rest. Just have to ride it out, so it’s a mini-flare up and not a weeks-long ordeal. Makes sense right? Not always.
Here’s to another revolution around the sun. I’m going to be gentle with myself this year, or die trying (lol).
Like a Dinosaur Waiting on the Asteroid 